Traffic Accident & My Broken BM

Recently, I got into a traffic accident. This is a record of the accident and its aftermath, mostly for my benefit, but hopefully to also act as a reference for the folks out there who are concerned or have questions about what to do or what happens when getting into a traffic accident in Malaysia; especially for the expats who don't speak BM and don't know what the fuck is going on with this country in general.

After attending an ex-colleague/friend's full moon party earlier this month, I was on my way home via DUKE highway. Unfortunately, I got on in the wrong direction, so I had to go through the toll gate, get off immediately, and u-turn back on the highway to face the right direction.

As I frustratingly got through the SmartTag gate, I turned on my left turn signal, and crossed from the right all the way to the left towards the exit across roughly 5 lanes worth of road (I say "roughly" because there are no lines on the road immediately before and after the toll gates, which is something I really think should be fixed). Once I got to the most left lane, I slowed down to be sure I wasn't running into any oncoming traffic that had just entered the highway from behind and trying to merge into the mainstream traffic.

And wouldn't you know it, a motorcycle came crashing into the left back side of my car. I was watching the whole thing, so I saw the guy with his head down -- probably texting on his phone -- come crashing into my car from behind, bounce, and hop off as his motorcycle went skidding towards the wall. Luckily for both of us, this happened during low traffic on a Sunday night, and at the very left side where there was almost no traffic at all.

I immediately stopped my car at the side of the road, got out, and ran over to the rider. I asked him if he was all right, whether he was hurt badly, and if he wanted me to call an ambulance or the police. He hopped around a bit on one leg, showcasing that the crash had hurt one of his legs, then proceeded to do something on his phone, ignoring my questions and concern. He then sat down on the side of the road, so I sat down next to him and repeated my previous questions. This time, he told me that he was fine, and that he was going to call his friend to come pick him up since his motorcycle was wrecked and wouldn't start.

While I felt pity for the guy, I also couldn't help but think to myself that he really needs to be more careful about how he rides, since it could've easily been much worse. I then asked him if it was okay for me to leave. He nodded and said, "Ya". So I left.

A week later, I received a letter from the police summoning me to the police station. Apparently, the motorcycle rider had made a police report of the accident, probably because he wanted to claim insurance. Knowing that the police in Malaysia often do not speak -- or refuse to speak -- English, I contacted my Malay buddy and asked for him to accompany me to the police station, which he graciously agreed to.

So we headed down to the police station in KL near China Town to make the report. As expected, my friend was of great help, getting me through the whole process much much faster than I could ever hope to on my own. To my dismay, though, we were told that the sergeant in charge of my case was not on duty and that I had to come again in a couple of days. Luckily, though, we were also informed that this particular sergeant speaks English, so we got my paperwork finished and headed home.

The next morning, I received a phone call from the sergeant in charge of my case to confirm that I was going to visit him. I confirmed and headed out there again the next day as agreed.

I headed into the sergeant's office and was told to wait outside. A few minutes later, the sergeant came outside to call me in. At this point, I was already surprised at the very professional way the sergeant was handling his visitor. Anyway, I get in, sit down at the sergeant's desk, pass him the paperwork, and as expected, the sergeant starts to speak to me in BM.

"Sorry. I don't speak Bahasa."

"But you're Malaysian! Why you don't speak Bahasa!"

Dude. I get your point, but you really don't need to shout it for the whole room to hear.

"I spent most of my life overseas -- about 30 years (I said tiga puluh tahun in an attempt to please him) in Japan."

"Kerja di Jepun?" Oh, this one I understand.

"Yes. I studied and worked there."

"Good money lah."

"Uhhh, not so bad."

The sergeant snickers and proceeds to process my paperwork.

"Okaaay. You explain to me the accident."

Before I could open my mouth, the sergeant continued.

"In Bahasa."

My pupils dilated like a scared puppy's.

"You try lah! If I don't understand then you explain in English also can."

While thinking about the horror of unleashing my tremendously limited and broken BM, I nodded reluctantly and spoke.

"Saya pandu di DUKE. Saya keluar dari SmartTag kemudian pergi kiri."

The sergeant chuckled and nodded for me to continue.

"Moto itu masuk highway dari kiri. Saya lihat moto itu, tapi dia memandu sangat laju!"

This got the sergeant to laugh a bit out loud, but he motioned to me with a thumbs up to show that he understood me. So I continued.

"Then crash."

The sergeant smiled, told me that the story was pretty much the same as what the rider of the motorcycle had told him, and even showed me the drawing the rider had drawn of the accident, which was pretty accurate.

Then the next part truly came as a surprise.

The sergeant told me that it was obvious from our recount of the accident that there was no fault on my part, and that the motorcycle should have yielded to me before trying to merge. He told me to go get photos taken of the damage on my car and to go home and wait for the official report.

Until that point, I had been told by friends and relatives and tweeters that in Malaysia, if a car gets into an accident with a motorcycle, 99.9% the car will be declared at fault. Well, either my case was a miracle, or common sense does still prevail, even in a country as seemingly fucked up as this one.

So, to everyone out there who still believes that you can't win in an accident with a motorcycle, you just never know until you actually try. If you truly did nothing wrong, the possibility of it turning out in your favor is still there; and if it doesn't, well, just be grateful if no one died or got hurt seriously. Also, please please please don't go charging at the other party in anger after an accident. Be courteous and kind. No one wants to be in an accident intentionally (except the scammers, of course), and please always remember that making sure no one is hurt badly should always be the top priority.

And to the sergeant who was in charge of my case who will probably never read this, thank you for your professional manner with which you dealt with the case, and thank you for giving me the opportunity to show off what a bad ass I am at speaking BM.

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Top 10 Things I Miss About Japan

Although I was born in Malaysia, I left when I was three years old. The next time I returned was 14 years later, when I was seventeen -- right after I had graduated from high school. My whole family -- my parents and my older sister -- came back for a week then, and it was the first time I got to see my uncles and aunties and cousins again since I left. There wasn't really that much excitement for me, though. After all, the last time I saw them was when I was three, so it was more like discovering I had a lot of relatives for the first time.

Anyway, after that, I came back a few times for vacation, but it wasn't until my Dad retired and decided to move back to KL that I started to return on a regular basis to visit my parents, and even then it was at most once a year. So to me, home is pretty much Japan; and, after living almost 30 years in the Land of the Rising Sun, there are obviously things I miss about it.

So without further ado, here are the top 10 things I miss about Japan.

10. Comprehensible & Well Maintained Roads

I'm sure most people would agree with me that Malaysian roads are absolutely horrendous -- both in condition and in structure. Apparently, the original plan was to create as few traffic lights as possible; which in itself is not such a bad idea. The problem is, in doing so, the roads were built with very few intersections, which led to excessively long and curvy roads and completely unnecessary, not to mention hazardous, roundabouts and merges.

I blame most of this on the Brits with their illogical and inefficient concept of flyovers and one way streets that inevitably bled into the Malaysian road building methods, but I digress.

What. The. Fuck.

Japan utilizes a system very similar to that of the U.S., only better. Basically, each city or region is cut up into squares, or blocks as they're called in the U.S., divided by roads and intersections, and each square is given a number sequentially to identify its location within the region. Simple. Clean. Comprehensible. Of course, there are disadvantages such as having to have traffic lights for most of the intersections, which obviously can cause traffic buildup; but, is that any worse than the traffic buildup we get with merges in Malaysia?

The advantages of this square system clearly outweighs the disadvantages. It's extremely easy to identify locations using addresses. It gives you a very clear sense of direction because turns are at right angles with very few lengthy curves that leave you disoriented. It's much easier to maintain orderly traffic flow. And certainly not least of all, it makes it much easier for you to recover from missing or taking a wrong turn. You don't have to drive for 8 bazillion miles to find a u-turn just so you can drive another 8 bazillion miles to make a u-turn again. You simply get to the next intersection, make a u-turn, or just make 3 left or right turns at consecutive intersections, and you're back on track.

Even the houses are lined up nicely.

Finally, the condition of the roads in Japan is simply immaculate. Hardly any potholes or other strange defects, good traction even when wet, no weird and sudden bumps or change in elevation, and certainly no missing guideline paint. Everything is smooth, flat, and consistent. And in order to maintain this high quality of roads, workers work fast and diligently during low traffic hours, such as 2 to 5 in the morning, instead of dead smack in the middle of the day clashing with Friday prayers.

No, that's not a race track. Just a normal road.

Even the road signs make sense and actually tell you where each turn takes you, as well as the distance to those locations. Most importantly, there are signs that tell you which road you're on currently! GASP!

All this in a country that has the best public transportation system in the world.

9. Vending Machines

Since I've been back to Malaysia, I don't know how many times I've wished there was a vending machine nearby at which I can buy a drink. It sucks big hairy buffalo balls to have to find a mall or shop lot just so you can quench your thirst; and even when you do, sometimes it's not even a mall or shop lot with a supermarket, so you end up with choices like Starbucks and Chatime, which isn't what I want. I just want to get a bottle of water or tea (non-sweetened), and I don't want to spend 8 or 15 bucks on it!

Japan literally has vending machines everywhere. It would actually be difficult to walk more than 500 meters without seeing at least one vending machine. Recently, several companies have collaborated to make vending machines even more useful. For instance, many of them that are along school commuting routes now have cameras mounted as anti-crime measures against crimes on school children. Almost all vending machines now also have a remote switch that allows beverage companies to make all the drinks free for disastrous situations such as earthquakes in which people may be stuck in areas without any nourishment for long periods of time.

Ahhh. Decisions, decisions, decisions.

But I suppose all this works because of Japan's high sense of moral and outstanding public safety. It's sad that we still need to consider vandalism and other petty crimes as a major concern for vending machines, but that's the truth we must face.

8. Convenient Stores

This is a bit like number 9, except in a much much larger sense. Convenient stores, or "Konbini" as they are called in Japan, are simply fucking amazing. Although Malaysia also has 7Eleven, and they're considered as Konbini, the 7Eleven in Malaysia are nowhere close to the ones in Japan in terms of service, cleanliness, variety, well...shit; in terms of everything.

First, there's the sheer number of them that truly makes them convenient. According to a survey in January of 2013 that counted the number of major chain Konbini in Japan, there 49,115 of them across the nation. Divide that by the entire population of Japan, and that's one store for each 2,600 people in Japan! Malaysia has 1,367 stores of 7-Eleven nationwide, which works out to be about one store for every 21,120 people. You do the math.

Hm. Which one should I go to today...?

More importantly, of course, is how...errr...convenient and useful the Konbini are in Japan. They have everything from mineral water to single malt whiskey, from sandwiches to full-blown meals (that are served hot on the spot), from kids' comics to pornography, and from fax machines to kiosk terminals for purchasing airline and concert tickets. They even have mascara and little packages that contain a toothbrush, toothpaste, face towel, and other things you need for a sudden unplanned overnight stay when you can't get home.

Seriously. How cool is that?

Even when you drive your car up into the depths of a mountain in some rural area for your annual visit to your spiritual monk, you can be sure there's a Konbini within walking distance of the monk's abode. Fucking. Life. Saver.

7. Professional & Courteous Service

I don't think there's much explanation needed here. Even for those people who have never been to Japan, I'm sure it's a fairly well-known fact that customer service in Japan is simply astounding. No matter which store you go to, be it a konbini, a restaurant, a toy store, a game store, a boutique, or a random book store, the people are professional, courteous, polite, and...*gasp*...helpful!

Service with a smile.

I've obviously experienced this super high level of service for most of my life, but to this day, I won't forget my first experience at a KFC store in Japan (a long time ago). When I walked in, every staff in the store shouted (or it felt that way at the time) "Irasshaimase! (Welcome!)", and as I walked up to the counter, every single staff I passed on the way bowed to me.

"Damn, peeps. I'm just here for chicken!" I thought.

The lady who took my order was extremely nice. Listening to my order patiently and making gentle and subtle suggestions where appropriate. She then repeated my order, gave me my total, and bowed. After paying and taking my number, I went to sit at a nearby empty table. After a few moments, another staff brought me my food, apologized for being late (it had been about 2 minutes since I sat down), bowed, smiled, and asked me to enjoy my food.

I was genuinely scared. Having been brought up as a kid in the US, I could only suspect that they were all in a conspiracy and wanted something from me. Perhaps they wanted to sell my spleen. Or they wanted to steal my awesome Seattle Supersonics jacket that I was wearing. Whatever it was, there was a plot. I just knew it. There was no other explanation for the incredibly kind and courteous way they were acting.

What the fuck do you want from me?!

It wasn't until later that I learned and understood that that's just the way it is, and no one would accept it any other way. Honestly, even after nearly 30 years in Japan, I sometimes still receive service that's so wonderful, I feel guilty about it. Seriously. I don't think I'd be able to find anything to complain about even if I wanted to.

Now you're just being silly.

6. Unbeatable Public Safety

Japan has always been known as the safest country in the world; partly because everyone is educated to be polite and courteous to everyone else, but much of it is also because of the well-trained police force.

Surprisingly, Japan doesn't have a very high police to population ratio, yet because they are well known to be extremely well trained and dedicated to serving the people, citizens feel quite safe and criminals are actually scared of them. Also, even though the ratio is not high, the Japanese government makes sure that all the police officers who are available are seen in public, as much and as constantly as possible. One of the ways they do that is with the Koban -- a small "police box" that usually has 2 to 3 police officers assigned to it. Koban are placed so that an area of 50,000 people have at least one to cover that area. In areas that tend to get more rowdy (such as areas with lots of bars), more would be placed. This seemingly simple method goes a long way in helping to keep people safe and prevent crimes from occurring.

A typical Koban in Japan. That dude looks mean.

A story I often tell my friends is of one time when I got paid my monthly salary in cash. There was some sort of serious outage with the banking system of the bank that my company at the time was using, and they had no choice but to pay salaries for that month in cash. Now, as safe as Japan is, it really doesn't make anyone feel comfortable to be carrying around a bag of cash that's worth your life and sweat for the past one month. I tried to put the bag into my shoulder bag, but it just wouldn't fit, so I carried it in my hands.

I got on and off the train with no particular incident, and headed to my usual watering hole where my friends and I had drinks after work almost every work day. It wasn't until after I left the pub, got home, and tucked myself into bed that I realized I didn't have my bag of cash.

Unfortunately, I had no way of doing anything about it until the next day, so all I could do was spend a sleepless night during which I bit off pretty much all my fingernails and toenails.

The next day I headed to the pub where I figured I left my one month salary. Before I even opened the door, one of the ladies who work there came running out with my bag, shouting, "There you are! We've been so worried that you'd be missing this! Please be more careful!" She then proceeded to hand the bag to me and sigh a sigh of relief, as if she had lost the cash. I thanked her profusely and was on my way. Needless to say, not a cent was missing from the bag.

Thank you, Japan!

Imagine what would've happened if that was in Malaysia (or anywhere else other than Japan).

5. "Variety" TV Shows

Japanese TV shows are generally not bad, but "variety" shows, as they're called in Japan, are just simply brilliant. They're a mix of comedy, reality, challenge, and generally weird shit. These are the TV shows that give Japanese television the reputation of being straight up fucked up and the people who appear in them downright looney.

What the fuck are they even doing?!

These shows are just nutty, they're incredibly satisfying. I mean, you get a bunch of crazy guys to come up with ideas, then you hire a bunch of funny people who also happen to be out of their minds to execute these plans, throw in a couple of famous people to host it, and you've got a golden show. And Japan has tons of these shows. Many of them are shown late at night, and I mean really late at night, because for some of these shows that skid just along borderline illegal, it just wouldn't be appropriate if underaged kids happen to watch them.

And they get paid to do this!

For those of you who are interested but don't know where to start, my recommendation is to check out "Gaki No Tsukai" (the full title is "Downtown No Gaki No Tsukai Ya Arahende"), "Lincoln", "Pussuma" for starters.

4. Reasonably Priced Cars & Motorcycles

The title says it all. As a gearhead, this is especially important to me. When I lived in Japan, I owned three motorcycles and two cars, and was planning on buying a third car. I bought them all new, but guess what? The price of all three motorcycles and two cars combined is less than buying a VW Golf GTI here in Malaysia. One. Fucking. Golf.

Toyota Camry 2.5V. Malaysia: RM181k. Japan: RM90k.

Now, most people I know also think the evil...I mean, excise tax is ridiculous in Malaysia, but there are some who argue it's necessary to protect our domestic manufactured cars (a.k.a. Proton). My question is, why? Why do we need to protect them? Other countries don't, why do we? Oh, so the government is openly admitting that Proton cars suck and no one would buy them unless everything else was unaffordable. It's either that or they're openly admitting they want an excuse to make lots of money to put into their pockets.

Or is Malaysia serious about actually making revenue, or even profit from exporting cars? ...*shudder*...I'm not going to think about that or I might need to be committed to a mental institute. So getting back to the original topic...

"That's because Japanese cars are domestic for Japan. Of course they're cheaper there! What about cars that are foreign to both countries?" you ask. Well, let's take a look.

BMW 535i. Malaysia: RM600k. Japan: 250k.

I could buy a condo with just the difference. So now we can add the Malaysian government to the list of people for Google's slogan, "Don't be evil".

3. Game Centers

It took me a while to learn that in Malaysia, game centers are generally looked upon as either dodgy places where punk ass school kids and wannabe gangsters hang out, or little kiddie land places that only, well, little kiddies go to.

Game centers in Japan...well, first of all, there are lots of them. Where in Malaysia I have to search every resource I have just to find 2 game centers that end up having 4 game machines from 15 years ago, I can just walk around in Japan and find a nice game center with an abundant of modern, new game machines. And, Japanese game centers are clean! Imagine that.

Bright, clean, and comfortable.

Actually, I've been talking to Japanese companies to try and get them to start a few of these "nice" game centers here in Malaysia. Hopefully, this will become a reality in the next few years, and I can finally introduce to my fellow Malaysian folks what real game centers are like.

"You mean this isn't a real game center?" Only if you're 6.

2. Manga Kissa (Cafe)

This is an easy one to explain. You get bottomless drinks, a decent menu of casual foods, a reclining chair, a fairly high spec computer, limitless broadband internet, preloaded games up the wazoo, and a whole fucking library of manga to read. Some places even have showers and small beds. What else could you ask for?!

They literally have more manga than book stores.

Actually, manga kissa are becoming obsolete now, and being replaced by "net cafe". The "net" is short for "Internet", and it's not really a cafe (Japanese-made English vocabulary is fucked up like that), and it's definitely nothing like the internet cafes in the US, but pretty much a more modern version of manga kissa with even more features.

The more modern, much more digital net cafe.

The problem with net cafes, though, is that they focus too much on digital services, such as having the most number of MMORPG games installed in their computers and how much bass their headphones can push out. For someone like me (old, basically), it saddens me slightly to know that the more analogue and more warm manga kissa of the old school days are slowly disappearing. It was nice to have a place to go to that served hot home-cooked meals in a cozy atmosphere, and you could sit there and just sip your coffee while reading the entire collection of Kochira Katsushika-ku Kameari Kōen-mae Hashutsujo.

The manga kissa of old. Basically restaurants with manga.

A few years back, Japan actually had a "social phenomenon", as the media called it, where people wouldn't go home or even bother to stay at hotels, because it was easier, cheaper, more convenient, and definitely more entertaining to just spend the night at net cafes. Yeah, so basically, a "social phenomenon" in Japan means a really fucked up problem with the young generation. I must admit, I also did spend the night at net cafes a couple of times, but there were folks that would just stay there for weeks. There were even extreme cases in which people just didn't go home. They called these guys, "net cafe nanmin", which literally translates to "internet cafe refugees".

I'm not bashing these guys at all. In fact, I'm trying to use this "social phenomenon" to make my point -- how comfortable are these places that people can fucking live there! Yeah, these places are the shit.

Wait a second... Why don't I start one in Malaysia?? I'll call it, "Komik & Teh Tarik".

1. Responsible People

It can't be just me who finds having people around who are responsible for their actions to be an immensely important part of making your daily life happy. I'm not talking about anything that serious, either. I'm basically just talking about people who are punctual and do their jobs the way they're supposed to.

First, let's talk about...

Being On Time.

If I say I'm gonna meet you somewhere at 10:00, I'll be there by 10:00. If it's a casual meeting, I might be late by 10 minutes at the most, but if I actually mentioned a time that I'd be there, you can bet your ass I will be. There ain't no excuses for being late in my book.

What? Traffic was bad? Like you didn't know it would be. Leave earlier, dipshit.

Huh? You couldn't find the right pair of pants? Come wearing your sister's skirt if you have to. Your pants are not as important as wasting my time, fucktard.

Yes, that's right, folks. Not being on time is the same thing as wasting the time of those who are on time.

The Japanese are extremely punctual. They're usually exactly on time, or they're early. Not only is it deemed as taboo to be late, in many cases, it has serious consequences. For example, many companies have the right to fire you for being late to work. Clients will easily cancel important business deals because the sales guy is late for the meeting. Yes, it's that serious. At the very least, you will gain a notorious reputation, and people will lose trust in you in all aspects.

Also, can you imagine if the train was late? Of course you can if you're Malaysian, but not in Japan. Shinjuku station, a major train station in Tokyo, sees more than 1.3 million people on an average day. That's more than the population of Kota Kinabalu and Kuching combined! A major train being late by a couple of minutes in Tokyo could mean the disruption of commuting for millions of people, setting off a chain reaction for all sorts of nonsense. I mean, trains running late get broadcasted on the news.

Trains in Japan literally run like clockwork.

Because the sense for punctuality is buried so deeply within each country and culture, many times, it's just simply impossible for people to understand the punctuality standards of another country. So many of you are probably thinking, "aw, come on! are the Japanese always on time? they gotta be late sometimes." Yeah, they aren't always on time, but they're late only very rarely. But more importantly, they...

Apologize When They're Wrong.

Seriously, I took this for granted while living in Japan. I thought this was common sense for everyone. I didn't realize that Malaysians are in the habit of apologizing as little as possible, and pretty much not at all when it comes to being late.

And yet, picking up annoying internet talk like, "u mad, bro?" is not a problem.

Being responsible folks that they are, the Japanese apologize as their first instinct if they even feel slightly they could've been in the wrong. And because they bow as a custom, it makes it look even more like they're truly sorry. In fact, it's quite often to see two people bowing and apologizing to each other because they both feel like they were the ones in the wrong, and then they bow even more because the other guy's still bowing. Quite amusing, actually.

"I was wrong, I'm sorry." "No, no. It is I who should be apologizing."

But, unfortunately, the problem in Malaysia runs much deeper than just not being able to apologize. You see, people in Japan actually...

Do What They Said They Would.

So many times in the last couple of years I've been back to Malaysia, I've had people basically just ignore what they promised, and just generally do whatever the fuck they please despite what they said.

I've had contractors give me a quotation for renovation work I requested, and then just not show up. I've had restaurants take my reservation and then not having it in their books when I actually go. And I've never, not even once, had someone call me back when they told me they would.

We can't even do simple things we say we would on a daily basis, and we expect the government to keep their promises? Talk about being hypocritical.

I truly and deeply miss the feeling of security and comfort of knowing that when I ask someone to do something for me -- whether as a customer, a boss, a colleague, or friend -- and that person agrees, that they would do as they promised. What makes me miss it the most is that I thought it was normal. I mean, not having polite people and places to eat while reading manga is one thing. I knew those things aren't available, but I never thought I'd need to expect people to not do what they said they would.

Just doing my job, sir!

I could go on and on about this forever, but it wouldn't be worth my time to type it, and it certainly wouldn't be worth anyone's time to read it.

So there you have it. The 10 things I miss most about Japan. I hope that this article has given you not only an interesting bit of reading to kill your time, but also some insight into what life in Japan is like, and also get your brain juices flowing on the things that we as Malaysians can do to better improve our lives.

Stay tuned for my "Top 10 Things I Don't Miss About Japan" article coming soon!

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Book: Take 2 by Leeza Gibbons

Book: Take 2  - Your Guide to Creating Happy Endings and New Beginnings by Leeza Gibbons

I just love to pick up a book that has a positive title, read about experiences, trials, failures, successes and find out new suggestions to motivate and inspire. Take 2 by Leeza Gibbons is exactly this type of book that promotes a very positive lesson: we can always start over and be in peace with the choices we make.

The way Leeza describes her own life makes it easier for us readers to assimilate her experiences be it as a mother, a full time employee, or a wife. It's told to us in a vibrant and eloquent language, illustrated with her own strategies to cope, to transform and to be reborn. Great examples of women who had the courage to start over or put their lives on hold like Maria Shriver are also wonderful testimonies to the power we have when we decide to create our own destiny and move on with our lives fearlessly and with no apologies.

This is an empowering book for women. A book that teaches us to take charge, to change, to elevate to higher levels, to take ownership of our own lives and give ourselves permission to do what we want, to love, to make mistakes and to get up again. The subtitle says it all: it's our guide to create happy endings and new beginnings. So start now!



FTC Disclosure: I received this book for free from Hay House Publishing for this review. The opinion in this review is unbiased and reflects my honest judgment of the product.

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Teh Tarik Kurang Manis

So I'm sitting at my usual mamak having breakfast, and as it is in most of my experience, my teh tarik kurang manis is manis as fuck. It started me thinking about all the reasons I've heard from others about why this might be -- that is, why you don't get your order the way you ordered it.

"Maybe their sense of what's manis is different from yours."

"It depends on the person making it."

"Maybe they didn't hear you."

"Maybe the guy is Kelantanese."

I've even heard a ridiculously stupid comment of:

"They only understand if you say 'kurangkan manis' because the guy making it is Indonesian."

Well, has anyone thought of what I've always thought from day one?

"Maybe they just don't give a fuck."

I mean, these guys aren't exactly friendly or dedicated to making sure you're satisfied. Just look at their faces and you'd agree. It's not like they're getting a tip for making your drinks less sweet. It's not like you're going to sue them cos you took in more sugar than you wanted. It's not like they feel the urge to pamper you.

No, they just don't fucking care.

I just ordered teh tarik kurang manis ten minutes ago, and the guy just gestured to the counter the "tarik" motion. How the fuck is that going to convey the "kurang manis" part of my order?? The answer is, it's not. Because this shit is like drinking condensed milk straight out of the can.

One time, my buddy and I both ordered teh tarik. One kurang manis, one biasa. The guy brings two teh tarik and we ask him which one is kurang manis. He looks at us blankly for a second and randomly points at one of them. Without looking!

Guess if this is kurang manis. Go ahead. I dare ya.

So, yeah, I'm convinced. The reason your TTKM is not necessarily KM is not because there's any kind of miscommunication, or a difference in taste buds. It's because the good folks working at the mamak stalls can't be bothered to give a shit about what you want.

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Microsoft Customer Service

A man walks into Microsoft's customer service headquarters and heads to the complaints department on the 5th floor. He gets into the elevator and presses the button for the 5th floor. The elevator doors shut and the elevator begins to move. Around the 3rd floor, a large amount of water falls onto the man inside the elevator from seemingly nowhere. Now drenched, the man looks up to figure out the source of the water, but after scrutinizing the elevator ceiling, he can find no explanation for the sudden splash of water.

The elevator reaches the 5th floor, and the man walks out, fuming. He heads straight for the reception counter immediately outside the elevator where a young lady smiles at him as he approaches.

"Hello, sir. How may I assist you?" she says with a smile.

"What the hell is going on with your damn elevator?! I was just splashed with a bucketful of water! Look at me! I'm completely drenched!" the man shouted.

"Very well, sir. First, have you ever used our elevator before?" the girl asks in a professional manner.

"What..? No, I've never used it before! What the heck does that..." the man tries to finish but is interrupted.

"Please give me your name, country of residence, and native language, sir," the receptionist says, indifferent to the man's frustration.

"Bill Gates, USA, English," the man responds, having been taken into the girl's pace.

"Thank you, sir. Your customer service number is 37Q38-WDCRD-XYQ6X-G9MGX-6BTWF. Please have this number ready the next time you visit us. Now, you say you were splashed with water?" the girl continues the conversation in a routine manner.

"Yes. Inside the elevator," Bill answers.

"Hmm, that's strange. Could you try walking out the building and coming back?" the young lady requests.

"What?? You want me to go outside and come back? Now?!" Bill says, frustrated and confused.

"Yes, sir. Please leave the building and come back." the girl replies.

"What the...? Fine!"

Bill finally gives up and walks back into the elevator. He takes the elevator to the first floor, gets out, and leaves the building through the main entrance. He then walks back in and takes the elevator again to the 5th floor. He walks up to the receptionist again.

"Now what?" Bill asks with irritation.

"Were you splashed by water again, sir?" the receptionist asks.

"No." Bill answers.

"Okay, sir. I'm not sure what might have caused the first splash, but it looks like everything is fine now. If it happens again, I would suggest that you walk out and back into the building like you just did. Thank you for visiting Microsoft's customer service," the girl says with a smile and a wave.

"Oh. Okay. I guess everything's fine then," Bill says as he turns to leave.

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My 3 Worst Experiences With Malaysian Service

We all know that the service level in Malaysia leaves plenty to be desired. I'm not talking about any specific industry or genre. I'm talking about the overall quality of service the entire country delivers to patrons in any form of communication that involves customer service.

While I understand that, from the perspective of the people delivering the service, it sucks to have to suck up to suckers that seem to suck up their time with seemingly no benefit, please bear in mind that, regardless of the method or amount, these folks are getting paid to deliver the service; by us -- the exact people who they are being rude to.

Wait a second. Does that seem strange to anyone else?

If I were to pay you 100 bucks for you to just pick up and hand me a stone on the side of the road while smiling at me, would you even consider being rude to me? I would bet my left testicle that 99 people out of 100 would just take the money, smile and not think twice. Yet, when it's a job, it's okay to be rude? How does that logic work?

Yeah, yeah. I'm sure there's lots to be argued, debated, and contemplated about on that subject, but that's not what this blog entry is about. It's about my own actual experiences since I've been back to Malaysia (that's about two years ago) that have been so horrid that I still have nightmares about them. Well, not really, but it gets the point across.

3. Is that a hair in my laksa?

We've all experienced it. Weird shit in our food that don't belong there. I was having curry laksa at a hawker stall in Ipoh, when I discovered what appeared to be a strand of human hair floating on my taugeh. Being the outspoken person that I am, I immediately motioned for the attendee of the stall, a middle-aged Chinese woman about the height of my motorcycle, to come over. She strode over to my table slowly with an expression that made it apparent she would rather be somewhere else.

Her: "Ya?"

Me: "Is that a hair in my laksa??"

With almost no change in expression, she peers into my bowl, squinting her eyes several times, and then looks at me blankly.

Her: "Ya, it is."

And then she strode off.

It was my first experience encountering this sort of situation since I had been back, and I simply didn't know how to handle it. My mind went blank. My brain shut down.

Little did I know at the time that a couple months later, I would have to ask...

2. Is that a hair in my wonton mee?

This time, I was a bit more prepared. Before calling the waitress over, I simulated in my mind how I would call for the waitress to come back should she choose to walk away from the situation. Mentally prepped, I called for the waitress to come over. She rolled her eyes slightly and walked toward me like she was heading toward some piece of garbage on the ground she had to pick up.

Her: "........."

Me: "There's a piece of hair in my soup!"

Just as the lady from my previous experience, she showed no signs of shock and did her obligatory peer and squint.

Her: "Boss, that one is my hair."

Me: "........."

At this point I'm trying to figure out what that has to do with anything. Before I could contemplate further, she continued.

"Don't worry, boss. I just wash this morning."

And then she strode off.

I was NOT ready for that. Man...

1. I could really use a smoke.

I've had my share of horrible experiences with government employees, especially in Putrajaya, and I'm sure everyone has as well. Allow me to share one that really stood out for me.

After standing in line for over an hour waiting to renew my passport, my number was finally called by the annoying number calling system. "Nombor tiga enam satu empat, kaunter dua." I walk up to the counter and greet the guy behind the counter with a smile and a "Hello". He wasn't impressed. With his completely emotionless face, he says something to me in BM. Unfortunately, due to not having lived in Malaysia for a long time (like...ever), I did not have the opportunity to learn BM, which I also explained to the guy in English. He stares at me with even less expression, and continues speaking in BM. So I figured he didn't hear me, and so I explain to him again that I don't understand BM due to my blah blah blah situation.

...pause...

The guy continues to speak to me in BM, only this time, he says something reeeaaally long.

What. The. Fuck.

I try to keep my temper and my smile, and continue to explain to him my situation and that I just want to renew my passport. I even throw in a bit of BM vocabulary I picked up. "Tolonglah." "Sila membantu saya." "......dalam Inggeris!"

Finally, it seemed my efforts paid off. Slowly, the guy began to speak.

"I could really use a smoke..."

Huh?!

First off, his English was fucking perfect. Second, he could use a...whaaa?!

He apparently saw I was confused, so this time, he deliberately stared at my shirt pocket, in which was a box of Mild Seven I had brought from Japan, and repeated himself.

"I could really use a smoke..."

Ohhh! How stupid could I be! Of course! I pulled out my box of Mild Seven and politely inquired.

"Would you like one?"

A hint of emotion came across his emotionless face and he gestured to the door behind him.

"Come," he said. "I'll show you to the smoking area."

I follow him through a door behind him that led to an inner courtyard with an ashtray. We both lit up one of my cigarettes, and puffed away while making small talk about random shit like how it's always hot in Putrajaya and how he studied in Australia for 3 years. After finishing the cigarette, he starts to mumble.

"Those are good smokes."

This time, I was sharp and alert! I immediately took out the remainder of my cigarettes and offered the entire box to him. He accepted with a smile, and we walked back in the building to situate ourselves in our previous positions.

Ah! Finally! Now I can get this shit over with! I thought to myself.

I couldn't believe the next words that came out of his mouth.

"I sure could use a good steak..."

Later that day, I walked away with a brand new passport that cost me 3 and a half hours, 250 bucks for the passport, and more than 300 bucks for three steak dinners (he brought a buddy along).

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Democracy & Malaysia

Ahhh, democracy. Just the sound of that word makes people everywhere perk up their ears, feel more positive, and pump their fists as if they just found out they got a huge salary raise.

Most likely due to GE13, I've recently had 14 year-old kids talk to me about democracy and how great it is. Relatives and friends text me about how democracy will save us all, and the Web has been running havoc about how democracy in Malaysia has "died" after the GE13 results.

What is democracy, though? What does it really mean, and how does it actually affect us as citizens when it's applied to society and government.

The first line in the Wikipedia entry on "Democracy" states that "Democracy is a form of government in which all eligible citizens have an equal say in the decisions that affect their lives". As with all theories and ideas, the definition is pretty fucking vague. That's because it's exactly that -- an idea -- and we should never forget that things in life have a way of working differently in theory than in practice.

For starters, who gets to define which citizens are "eligible", and who gets to define which decisions "affect their lives"? The government? But if they get to decide, then the principal of democracy has already been defeated, unless the government was elected upon those principals. But then, who decided who were eligible to elect the government? And hence, the vicious cycle continues.

In order to understand how democracy works in practice, we must first understand how a government is operated, as well as the difference between a form of government and a system of governance.

Let's talk a little bit about Malaysia. Malaysia is NOT a democracy by definition of its government form; it is a constitutional monarchy. A constitutional monarchy means that we have a head of state -- the king -- who makes decisions for the state (the country) while acting within the parameters and boundaries set by a constitution that was drafted when the country gained its independence. Constitutional monarchism is different from absolute monarchism in which a monarch has absolute power over all state affairs with no boundaries. Absolute monarchism is pretty much dictatorship. Let's be glad that's not the case for Malaysia.

As a system of governance, Malaysia employs a parliamentary system in which the monarch reserves his power and instead delegates control of the state to the parliament, which is headed by a prime minister. This is the same system that the UK uses. As to why Malaysia adopted the same system as the UK, I'll give you three guesses and the first two don't count. This system of governance allows for representative democracy, which means citizens have a say in the people who represent them in the parliament, which in turn makes decisions that affect the state and its people. This is the system that causes Malaysians to think wrongly that our government as a whole is a democracy.

Since the parliament, or legislature, is elected by the people, it would then seem that decisions made would be in the interest of the people who elected that legislature. Hooray for democracy. Everyone lives happily ever after. End of story.



Yeah, we wish.

We're all just human. The representatives we elect are also human. Some of them may make decisions based on what "the people" want, while others will utilize their position to make decisions based on their own ideals and merits. So the way a democratic system tries to allow for checks and balances is to give the people a chance to periodically change the people who represent them. This, in fact, is the heart and core of representative democracy in application and practice.

Ever hear people say, "If you don't vote, you don't get to complain"? I disagree wholeheartedly. I say, "If you vote, you don't get to complain, especially if who you vote for won". Why? Because you chose the person to represent you, and if that person doesn't do as you expect, that just means your judgment of that person was inaccurate. Too bad. Suck it up and wait for the next election.

Don't get me wrong. I think everyone who can should vote, and I understand that the phrase above is used mostly as a method to coax people who don't think it's worth their time and effort to vote to get off their asses. Still, an inaccurate statement used for a grand purpose doesn't make it right. The fact is, every citizen has the right to complain and bicker, but it certainly doesn't mean that'll change anything.

So what about direct democracy? Some people argue that if the people actually got direct control over all the decisions made by the government that things would somehow magically become peachy.

Aside from the fact that trying to maintain a manageable direct democracy system would be an absolute nightmare, this seemingly ideal concept assumes that everyone understands the good of the whole and that all citizens are well-educated and have good common sense. If you think that you can trust the majority of our nation's population to be sensible, well-informed, and committed to the good of the whole, you should probably get your head checked with an MRI.

Currently, a trend of urban residents versus rural residents can be seen in Malaysia. That is to say that political and social views differ greatly from those who live in urban areas and those who live in rural areas. Since a direct democracy system is basically "majority wins", the dominant faction would basically have control of the country, ALL THE TIME. In Malaysia's case, the country would be under a dictatorship of sorts by the rural community -- the mojority faction. This is most likely the reason that no country has actually put direct democracy into practice.

If you think about it, that really isn't unlike the result we saw in GE13. While the urban population wished to see change for whatever reasons, the rural community saw no need to change a lifestyle they are used to and have no beef with. Humans are animals of habit. We basically deny and avoid change unless we feel strongly compelled to do otherwise. So change will not come easy. It takes time and a lot of hard work -- mainly to spread information and educate the whole population with proper knowledge. If after we accomplish that, people still opt for no change, then who is to say that democracy has not spoken?

Improvement and change comes from within -- within everyone who truly wants the change. I'm not going to get into the fiasco of people asking the US for intervention, that's a whole other blog entry (and this one's already long enough), but suffice to say that if we can't put forth the will and hard work to change society, then we truly have no business whining and shouting.

I hope, very earnestly, that people will see that democracy is not a magical pill that solves everything. People will always complain when they don't get what they want, regardless of what type of governance system is in place or who the leaders are. Since it's simply not possible to satisfy everyone, you will always have arguments, dirt-slinging, cheating, fighting, and all sorts of ugliness. The best that we can do as citizens, is to put forth our hard work and best effort to making sure everyone understands their choices and rights, and that decisions made by governing bodies are made justly and in the interest of the majority.

So the next time you feel like shouting for democracy, think about what you have contributed to change society to your ideal, other than squealing like a trapped rat. If you can't think of anything, please, don't blame it on democracy or the lack of it, because democracy only works for you if you work for it.

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